That'll do pig.... that'll do..

"Unit 88, eight-eight, I have a call coming out of a residence in Richy-Rich Town for ya. Going to Grapevine Psych E.R., how do you copy?"
"88, copy, send it over the MDT and show us enroute"
I look down at the MDT. Patient is an 11-year old male, danger to self. We arrive on scene and are greeted by a county health worker. "What do ya got for me?" I ask. I recognize the guy, I've taken a few other patients for him in the past. "Oh, hey! How are ya? This one should be fun for you. 11-year old, threatened to kill himself after mommy wouldn't let him play his video games. Here's the deal, this isn't the first time the kid's done this. I put him on the 5150 thinking maybe he'd realize he cant threaten to off himself every time he doesn't get his way. I want you to make this experience as unpleasant as possible for him. Hopefully, we wont ever hear from the kid again."
My partner chuckles, gestures towards me and says "Well, you called the right place! She's our reigning bi*ch supreme."
I laugh and playfully punch him in the shoulder. The front door of the house opens, and out skips our patient, suitcase in hand.
"COOOOOL!! I get to ride in an AMBULANCE!!"
"Hey buddy!" my partner says, "Go ahead and jump up on this bed, we'll put your seatbelts on and get going in a minute."
At this point in time, it was not required for us to restrain all psych patients. It has become a company policy since, due to some..ahem.. mishaps. But back then, it was up to the attending to decide whether or not to restrain the patient. I, of course, winking at my partner, whisper "4-point." Meaning, I wanted the kids arms and legs tied down. My partner smiles and says "You got it, girl!"
The kid looks up at me, a little confused, and I explain.."We do it for everyone. Just a precaution, no worries." He nods, kisses mommy and little sister goodbye, and we put him in the back. I jump in, sit down, and start the party.
"So, where am I going? The doctor?"
"Doctor? No, you're going to a psychiatric facility."
"You mean like a crazy house?"
"No.. well, yeah, I guess."
"Oh... for how long?"
"72 hours. Do you know how long that is? It's 3 days."
"Cool, that means I get out of school! No homework!"
"Heh, well I'd rather go to school than go to Grapevine. It kinda sucks, they lock you in a room with a T.V. You aren't allowed outside, and you can't have your stuff. It gets pretty boring, plus there's usually a bunch of weirdos in there..."
"Really? Oh...ok.. So I can't have my gameboy?"
"Nope. Not even your clothes, you have to wear a hospital gown."
The kid starts squirming a little. I silently high-five myself.
I know what you're thinking, I'm so cruel, such a jerk, no compassion, bla bla. But here's the thing- the kid is obviously spoiled rotten. And when I was his age, if I had said the things he said about his mother (and even TO his mother), I would have been spanked within an inch of my life with a wooden spoon or hairbrush (bristles down!). I ask the kid why he threatened to kill himself, and he says "I dunno. I hate school, I hate homework. I hate my mom, she never lets me do anything." I tell him scoldingly that homework and school is something everyone's gotta deal with, and it's no reason to throw a tantrum. By the time we get to Grapevine, I can tell he's a little worried. I try to calm him down by telling him it will be fine, it's only 3 days. He nervously gulps and nods, and we bring him in. Grapevine happens to be a county hospital-the perfect place to teach this kid a lesson. County hospitals are notorious for having the weirdest, kookiest and wackiest psych patients running around, and we were lucky to score a perfect time to come in, for there she was. The wackiest, weirdest and MEANEST psych patient I have ever come across in my career.
In all her glory, she was strapped into leather restraints on a chair in the waiting room, with her 2 EMTs sitting nearby. The kid immediately starts freaking out, because the lady has just let out the longest stream of obscenities I've ever heard. He looks at me, wide-eyed and absolutely terrified, and I say, "Don't worry. Look, she's tied down. We wont let her do anything."
--Just for kicks, let me give you a description of what this lady looks like. She's probably in her 80s, with wiry, crazy grey hair literally sticking STRAIGHT up off her head. She's wearing a potato sack, (literally) and has an incredibly grotesque looking smushed up face, almost like a witch.
Ok, so the lady is cursing like a drunk sailor, and one of her EMT attendings yells at her, saying there's a little kid in the room, he doesn't need to hear that kind of language.
Wait for it.... Ok, here it comes..
The lady whips her head around, looks MY patient straight in the eye and goes "WHY THE HELL DOES IT MATTER?! He's just gonna get baby-raped like the rest of 'em. YOU HEAR ME, LITTLE BOY?!"
The kid bursts into tears, literally crawling out of the gurney and pleading with me to take him home. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'll never do it again please just take me HOME!"
I calm him down and whisk him through the doors of the psych E.R., away from the crazy woman. I think he's had enough. I pull the doc aside, explain what the county worker told me, and the doc walks over to the kid.
"Hey man, so what happened?"
"I just wanna go home, I was mean to my mom and told her I wanted to kill myself but I don't, I don't I just didn't wanna do my homework! I'm sorry!"
"Hey, it's ok. Guess you'll be careful about what you say next time, wont you? Homework is no reason to kill yourself buddy. We still have to keep you here for an evaluation but I'll see if we can get you home tonight or tomorrow morning."
"Ok, ok just please don't let that crazy old lady near me she's really scary!"
The doc gives me a puzzled look and I say "Oh, yea, you got a real winner in the waiting room."
Right on cue, the other crew brings the lady through the door, and she's still screaming obscenities. The doc is trying really hard to keep a straight face, and tells the kid he'll keep her away from him. We hand over paperwork and walk out.
We laughed the whole way back to station, and when we got there, I called my mom and told her I loved her. When she asked why, I told her that I hoped I wasn't too much of a pain in the ass when I was a kid, and I just wanted to tell her how much I appreciate her. She seemed a little confused, said "Love you too, sweetie. Have a good day at work." and hung up.
Oh yea, it's been a good day at work alright.

Over and out-
the PSYCH wrangler