Do you want fries with that?

The page comes in late at night. One of our favorite calls, picking up out of the county jail, lovingly nicknamed 'Jurassic Park' because of the huge gates that open up to let us in. We pick up from there pretty often, usually people being released and who need to get a medical clearance before they are set free into the world again.
This, however, is a psych call.
We drive through the gates, park, and enter into the 'mantrap.' A small room, with locked steel doors on either end. The first door opens, you enter, then it closes. As soon as you hear it click, the door into the facility opens, and we walk through and up to the release center. Give the deputy the booking number, and we wait at the desk between 2 cell blocks. I'm never really afraid of these calls, even though you may think I should be. Most of the guys we pick up from here are ok-no violent crimes, murder suspects. Usually, they're homeless people who were caught trespassing, maybe theft or drug charges.
The deputy walks back out, our patient trailing enthusiastically behind him. I ask him to wait near our gurney while I get the rest of the paperwork. I look over in time to see him standing on a bench, attempting to jump on our gurney (we haven't lowered it yet). My partner looks over and says, "Woah, woah, just relax. We'll bring it down for you so you can just sit on it. Just hang on a minute, ok?" The prisoner smiles, nods, and waits patiently for us to give him the go-ahead.
We load him up and start taking him back down the ramp and out to the rig. He looks over at me and asks "Hey, I'm real hungry. I could really go for some beef tacos right now, d'ya think we could stop for some?"
"No, sorry sir. I'll let the nurses at the hospital know you're hungry but we can't let you eat in the back of the ambulance."
"Oh, ok...."
We put him in the back, and leave the jail. I start taking his vitals, and writing down some info on the paperwork.
"What's your full name, sir?"
"Sidney... Sidney Coffee."
(The paperwork says 'Sidney Jones'.........but ok...)
"Ok, sir. Are you allergic to anything?"
"Yea, cheeseburgers."
(I look over to see if he's smiling, maybe a feeble attempt at a joke? No, he's straight-faced.)
"Um, alright sir.. Anything else?"
"HOW ABOUT THEM BEEF TACOS?!! BEEEEF TACOSSS!!??"
He yells this pretty suddenly, then bursts into hysterical laughter. I decide to leave him alone for the rest of the ride, I think he's totally lost it. He continues rambling about food, randomly yelling "BEEF TACOS!" and then laughing again. We arrive at Grapevine Medical Center, and take him into the psych E.R. where a nurse begins to take the report. I realize she must be new, because she's asking the patient for his information instead of asking me. (Taking a report from a psych patient isn't the best idea sometimes... You usually don't get the whole story)
The conversation between the green nurse and Mr. Coffee goes something like this....:
"Hi, sir. What's your name?"
"Sidney Coffee."
"Ok, Sidney.. What's your date of birth?"
"January 7th, 1962."
"Alright, and how old are you?"
"58.."
Now all you math whizzes out there have probably already figured out that a birthday in '62 does not make you 58.. It makes you 46.
He's actually 52. And I have no idea where he's pulling this crap from, because his birthday is in March. I giggle to myself and let the nurse continue her report, knowing I'll have to pull her aside later and give her the REAL info.
"Sir, what is your mother's maiden name?"
"Barbara."
"Oh, no, I meant her last name. Her maiden last name."
"It's Barbara."
"Um..Ok.. And her first name?"
"Barbara."
"So your mother's name is Barbara Barbara?"
"Yep."
"Uh.. alright. How do you spell that?"
"W-X-K-Y."
Finally! The nurse realizes that the guy is not making sense. She mumbles something about that being "all for now.." and lets us into the psych ward. A doc approaches our patient, and starts the usual round of questions.
"Do you have any allergies, sir?"
"Yea, cheeseburgers."
"Ok, anything else?"
"Uh, yea I got this hernia......"
"Oh, no sir I meant allergies, do you have any more allergies?"
"Yea, this hernia.. I got this hernia, right here.."
"Ok, but no other allergies?"
"My hernia, it's right here..."
"Yea, ok sir I got that, you have a hernia."
"Hey, y'all got any beef tacos in this joint?"
The doc sighs, puts his clipboard down and walks over to us. At this point we were standing in the corner with a couple of cops who happened to be in there, all of us giggling like schoolgirls.
"Lemme guess, you found this one at the county jail?"
"Yep, sorry doc!"
"Heh, it's alright. You got a medical history on him?"
"Yea, here you go. Medical history, no allergies, except for the cheeseburgers of course."
"HA! Yea, I got that. Alright, thanks guys. Have a good night."
We walk out, shaking our heads and chuckling to ourselves. On the drive back to station, my partner looks over to me and shouts "BEEEEF TACOSS!"
I almost peed my pants laughing.

Over and out-
the PSYCH wrangler