WHERE DO I LIVE?!

"Unit 54, call coming out of [hospital]. 78 year old male, non-emergency, discharge. Respond."

"Copy, 54 enroute."

We arrive on scene at the busy ER. As we walk in, we hear a man's voice screaming random phrases through the halls. I approach the nurses' station and ask, "Let me guess, the noisy dude is ours?"

"Haha, you got it! He's a strange one. Repeats everything about 50 times.. Literally.." He pauses and motions for me to listen. Down the hall, I hear our patient..
"HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! HELLO!"

I shake my head and chuckle. The nurse hands me the paperwork, explains that the guy just needs a ride back to his nursing home and thanks us for taking him. I walk to his bed and find my partner desperately holding back giggles and trying to take the guy's blood pressure.

"What's so funny?" I whisper.

"The stuff he's saying.. Oh man." he whispers back, laughing quietly.
I try speaking with the patient, but he just keeps yelling.

"Sir, we're going to.."

"I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom!"

I look over at my partner and he shrugs. "I tried to take him to the bathroom, he doesn't really have to go."

"Uh, okay then.. Sir, we're.."

"She's ripping my clothes off! Stop ripping my clothes off! She's ripping my clothes off! Stop ripping my clothes off!"
I stood there, bewildered, empty handed and about 3 feet away from him as he screamed this. A nurse ran into the room to see what all the commotion was and ended up looking more confused than I did when she saw that no-one was ripping anyone's clothes off. My partner stepped out of the room because he could NOT hold back his uncontrollable laughter at this point.

"Ummmmm... Riiiight. Okay, sir. We're taking you home."

"Where do I live!? Where do I live?! Where do I live?!! Where do I live!?!"

"Okay... Let's go."

We load him onto the gurney and he's silent until we put him into the back of the ambulance. I get in the front to drive and hear my partner in the back, trying to talk to him as he's yelling, "I'm gonna piss! I'm gonna piss all over this thing! I'm ready to piss! I'm gonna piss all over you! I have to piss!"

My partner is still stifling his laughter as he tries to get the patient to use a plastic urinal, but the patient refuses and continues to yell..
"Get me outta here! Get me outta here! Get me outta here! I'm ready to piss!"

As we bring him into his nursing home, still screaming, the nurse looks up.
"OH! Mr. Smith! You're back.. Great.."

I smile sympathetically at her and we take him to his room.
"Do you see that?! She's ripping my clothes off! I'm naked! I'm naked! I'm naked! She's ripping my clothes off! I'm naked!"

"Okay, Mr. Smith.. Have a nice day.."

We hop back into the rig and clear from the call. I turn to my partner. .

"Well, that was.."

"Stop ripping my clothes off! I'm ready to piss!"

"Hahahaha! Yea. That was interesting."

Over and out-
The PSYCH wrangler