Stumbling

I haven't posted for awhile. Partly due to laziness, partly due to the fact that for the past year my entire life has been consumed by a paramedic training program.
Yup, I took the plunge.
I'm out of didactic, done with my clinical hours at the ER and have now moved on to my field internship.

Field internship for a paramedic intern consists of anywhere between 480-720 hours over the course of 2-3 months on a real, living, breathing, functioning 9-1-1 transporting unit. Your work is overseen by a paramedic preceptor- a paramedic who has taken a specific course in working with new interns in the field and guiding them throughout to ensure that they are competent in their skills.

For me, my internship takes place about 75 miles north of the city I live in. It's a foreign country to me. It's a smaller area, much smaller population and the system is completely backwards from what I'm used to. So, basically, not only am I going into this as a new intern, I'm going into this as a new intern who is unfamiliar with the operations and area.

So let's get to it then.

Day 1:
I made sure to get to station 45 minutes before my shift, just so I had some time to look around and meet people. My preceptor Michelle arrived about 10 minutes before our shift started and basically threw the keys to the rig at me and told me to check it out.
In the back of the rig, I was lost. There's SO MUCH MORE equipment than what I'm used to working with as an EMT, and although I recognized a lot of it from class, some of it looked slightly to severely different than what we used in school.
I had already started to panic, pulling stuff out and trying to put it together, trying to figure out that if I have a 1cc vial with 5 mg of medication and the orders are to give 2 mg and I can't find a 1cc syringe and what are the contraindications to this medication and is this a base hospital order or a standing protocol and....
WAIT. Okay. Breathe. Relax.
I put the vial down, took a deep breath and continued to look around and determine where everything is. My preceptor and her partner got in the rig and we left the station. She didn't really talk to me much, at one point she yelled from the front to the back, where I was sitting, and asked if I had any questions.
Do I have any questions? Hmm.. Yeah. When would be an appropriate time to cry, Michelle? No, nevermind. I don't have any questions.
We posted at a nearby park for awhile, and when we started driving again, I didn't think much of it. I had assumed we were switching posts or maybe going to get food. I didn't become alarmed until I heard the driver chirp the siren, just for a moment, because it was at that point that I realized we were probably running to a call, and I had had no idea because no one had said a word to me.
I looked down at my hands. Shaking. Crap. Jesus, why was it so loud in there? Oh, wait.. It was just the sound of my heart beating in my ears. Okay, you can do this. Chill.
We pulled up in front of an urgent care and Michelle opened the back. She looked at me and told me, in a bored voice, that we had a call. Our eyes locked for a second and she smiled. Not a calm, reassuring smile. An amused smile. She could smell my fear. The smile was gone so quickly that I questioned whether or not it was even there in the first place.
She knows I'm an intern right? She doesn't expect me to run this call.. It's my first day, am I supposed to run this call? Oh God.
Relax. It's okay.
I trailed behind her and her partner like a puppy with it's tail between it's legs. We entered and were greeted by a mass of people. Firefighters, nurses, people in lab coats.. All rushing around, trying to be helpful and direct us into the right room. From down the hall I could hear a heart monitor beeping loudly. An alarm that can only be described as the most terrifying sound to any intern.
Something was wrong.
Michelle pushed me into the room of people and stood back, arms crossed. The firefighters looked at her, confused, until she explained that I was the intern, and that I'd be handling the call. They didn't seem phased, and suddenly the mass of people descended on me.
"He came in today because he felt his heart beating rapidly and...."
"...220 on the monitor, pressure's fine..."
"....doctor in the ER wants to cardiovert him so it's just a transfer but..."
"...drinks occassionally, no medical history and..."

Wait, did these people honestly think I knew what I was doing? Why were they telling me all this stuff? I'm not a doctor.. Why is this firefighter talking to me? Wait, what did he say? Shit. Shut up, shut up SHUT UP brain! He's trying to tell you something..

"So, yeah. That's all I've got so far."

"Umm. I'm sorry. Umm...." I looked over my shoulder at Michelle for encouragement. Nothing. Just a blank stare. I looked back at the firefighter and he cocked his head to the side, looking concerned. Everyone was silent, except for the loud, obnoxious beeping of the heart monitor. To me it sounded something like, "IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT!" I looked at Michelle again, and this time she uncrossed her arms, rolled her eyes and came into the room. Not a word was spoken to me, she took over the call and ran it smoothly. I was in absolute awe of how calm she seemed, even though I had surely thought the patient was dying.
Wait, what was even wrong with this guy?
"Came in to the clinic today because he was having palpitations. When they hooked him up, he was in a rapid a-fib at a rate of 220." Michelle's report to the nurse at the ER interrupted my thoughts.
Jesus, we were already at the hospital? Had I been blacking out or something?!

She finished her report and pushed the gurney at me. "Outside. Now," she demanded in a stern voice.
Uh-oh.
Standing in the ambulance bay, she calmly leaned up against the gurney and crossed her arms again.
"So.. What the hell was that?"

"I'm sorry. I got scared. I don't know what I'm doing and I just... I'm sorry. I blanked."

"Yeah, I see that. It's unacceptable. I'm here to make sure you can do this, not to hold your hand. You need to be strong and confident in your skills. You need to take charge. You know, at the end of this, I'm not gonna be over your shoulder to pick you up when you start stumbling. Completely unacceptable. If you had questions, you should have asked. You said you didn't, so I assumed you knew what you were doing."

"I.. I'm sorry. I'm so nervous. I'm just... I'm sorry."

She eyed me up and down, uncrossed her arms and sauntered back to the ambulance. I quietly got in the back, sat down and took my school books out. I could feel my face getting hot, I could feel that lump forming in my throat.
Please, not now.
Tears started to stream down my face, and I eventually gave in and silently sobbed for a few minutes, letting them hit my book and distractedly trying to wipe them away.

What have I gotten myself into?