Working the system.

Call to a nearby high school to pick up a 14 y/o male complaining of 'suicidal ideation.'

Kid is placed on a 5150 hold by county health workers and handed over to us. He's grinning as he approaches the ambulance, guitar case in one hand and a backpack slung over his shoulder. I recognize him right away as a patient I have picked up at least 3 other times in the past 6 months.

"Chris? What's up, man? Why are you back?"
"Oh, I'll tell you on the way there." he replies, still grinning widely.

He hops onto the gurney and I step away from the back door to talk with the county worker. He confirms that the kid has been on several holds over the past year. Almost a dozen altogether. He obviously knows how to work the system, and approached his teacher this morning, stating calmly that he "felt like hurting himself and others." (This is almost the EXACT wording on the actual 5150 hold, one of only 3 reasons that a person can be placed on a hold.)

I climb into the back, and as we pull away, Chris turns to me and starts his explanation.
"Ok, so here's the deal. I was on a REAL hold about a week ago and I went to XXX Psych facility. I met this AMAZING girl there, she's my girlfriend now, and I'm totally in love with her. So, I acted like I needed another hold so I could go back to see her." He says this triumphantly, as if he's telling me of some master scheme he thought of to cure cancer. I'm not amused.

"Dude. You're wasting everyone's time. You're 14, it's not love, trust me. And you're not going to XXX Psych. They didn't have any room. We have to take you to YYY. Don't you think a psych facility is a bad place to be picking up on chicks, anyway?"
His face immediately fell, and he bitched the entire ride. When we drop him off, the nurse exclaims, "CHRIS?! Why on EARTH are you back here?!" He tells her the same story he had told me, and as we leave I hear her reassure him that he wont be staying for the entire 72 hour evaluation. (Even though, in my opinion, any guy who's gonna pretend to be loony to see some girl he met in a crazyhouse should DEFINITELY be given a psych evaluation.)

Later that night, we get another 515o call. I don't remember the specifics, other than that we were dropping off at XXX Psych. When we arrive, we wait for a bed and I make small talk with the nurse. Remembering Chris, I ask if the nurse recalls a young boy who was dating a girl in her female ward.
"Oh, you mean Chris? Yea, they were all over each other when he was here. He called here a little while ago to talk to her, I guess she dumped him for some other dude in here."

Sad story, right?
No. I think it's hilarious. When I explained that he had basically faked a psych problem and ended up getting booted 2 hours away to a different facility, we laughed for almost 5 minutes straight.
Am I burnt out, or does anyone else find this situation hysterical? Poor kid. I hope he learned his lesson.

Over and out-
thePSYCHwrangler